‘8 Rules of Love’ by Jay Shetty is a hot topic on the internet and it makes me wonder, ‘how can we need advice or rules to run our relationship from someone who doesn’t know the first thing about us?’
I am not your mother so it’s not my job to scold you but…8 Rules of Love made one thing clear the reason why we ruin our relationships or get ruined by it is because ‘we don’t start a successful relationship with ourselves.’
Allow me to explain.
Unlike other authors, Jay Shetty digs deeper into any topic he talks about and especially relates everything to spirituality. This in my opinion is good because when you are done pretending and showing off, the only thing that remains is your soul.
Words can lie, actions can be pretended, and feelings can be misinterpreted but SOUL is pure.-Renuka
To be honest, when I look at Jay Shetty and his wife, Radhi together, I fell in love all over again. Although, I don’t have a boyfriend but looking at them makes me feel that I WANT ONE.
And what I admire even more about this gorgeous couple is that, unlike other couples who are all over each other all the time, Jay and Radhi seem to respect each other’s space while nurturing a loving bond at the same time.
We deserve one such bond as well, don’t we?
So, let’s take a look at 4 Best advice that Jay has offered in his book, ‘8 Rules of Love’
1. Master Solitude: Learning to Love Yourself:
If I ask you, how you spend your ‘alone time,’ what would be your answer?
I recently read ‘Closer to Love’ by Vex King and guess what?
Both Jay and Vex have similar advice to give us. Both authors say that before you even imagine having a loving relationship with someone else, you must build a loving relationship with yourself.
But the question is why?
Well, the problem is that most people go back to their toxic ex or settle down for less than they deserve because they are afraid to be alone. Since childhood, we have been trained to treat ‘loneliness’ as a taboo. The kid who plays alone is a weirdo, right?
Jay says that if you hate spending time with yourself, why do you think someone else would love spending time with you?
If you are coming into a relationship because you are afraid to be alone, bored, or judged then you will always treat the other person as a toy or a source of entertainment for yourself. Or maybe YOU ARE THAT SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOUR PARTNER.
And such relationships end the minute entertainment is over.
Hence, the first piece of advice in 8 Rules of Love is to learn to master solitude. If you can make your alone time fun, and happy, you wouldn’t need a toy to play with. You would then look for a stable, and independent partner.
Jay has given you the practice to do a ‘solo audit’ which will help you realize your relationship with yourself. Given below is the exercise:
2. Parental Gifts and Gaps:
We all love our parents more than our lives, don’t we?
And why not? They have sacrificed so much for our happiness and career.
However, there are certain gifts and gaps that you have gotten from your parents that might be affecting your relationships. How?
For example; Let’s understand this through Jay’s example. When Jay was growing up, his parents never attended any of his school matches. His parents loved him but they never got the time to come and see their son playing and winning. This created a need for special attention in Jay’s subconscious.
When he came into a relationship with his wife, Radhi, he wanted Radhi to pay special attention to all his materialistic success.
This was a very brief example of what you get from your parents. If your parents were not very attentive towards you as a child, you might look for the same attention as your partner. And when your partner cannot give you that attention all the time, you might feel ignored and end your relationship altogether. The cycle keeps going on until you finally give up thinking that you are not good enough for anyone.
To break this pattern, you will have to pay attention to your behavior and thinking pattern. You will have to study how you react in a relationship and if there is any specific issue that keeps disturbing you in your relationship.
Once you realize, what’s your underlying issue, you need to work on it by talking it out with your partner, constantly reminding yourself that you wouldn’t let your parental issue come in between what you have with your partner.
3. Build a Routine Together:
One thing that almost every couple complains about is ‘my partner doesn’t give me enough time’
When you are in a relationship, it’s obvious that the two of you want to spend more time together, laugh and make memories together.
In 8 Rules of Love, Jay says that instead of always complaining, build a routine together.
- Decide when you both of you are free in advance (try to be respectful of each other’s timing and work)
- Decide what is something that both of you love doing. Is it watching a movie, taking long walks, going on a long drive, or maybe learning something together?
Today when everyone is extremely busy with their work and career, it’s easier to blame the other person for not taking time for you or not doing things as per your timeline. And this creates nothing but fights and disrespect between couples.
Hence, Jay advises that it’s better to create a ROUTINE together every week where you both decide on a mutual time and indulge in an activity that both of you enjoy.
I think 8 Rules of Love by Jay Shetty is a good book to build a healthy relationship foundation. However, there is too much to follow. And at the end, you might start feeling as if relationships are a job that needs to be followed with rules and hacks. You can read the book if you face too many problems in your relationships. However, personally, I would suggest you first study your partner, observe your relationship, and analyze your behavior as that’s going to give you a reality check of what’s your relationship like and how you can improve it.