Book Name: The Art of Being Alone: Loneliness Was My Cage, Solitude Is My Home by Renuka Gavrani
A Question For You to Explore: If you are happy with the person you are alone with, you wouldn’t need the noise of the world to distract or entertain you.
I have written a lot about ‘how to deal with loneliness’ and initially, I used to feel sorry for myself. I thought if I am writing on this topic then everyone would know that I am lonely.
And even being alone is not a crime nor a punishment yet we have been trained to treat ‘the time we spend with ourselves as loneliness’ and then curse ourselves for feeling lonely.
How very generous are we towards our souls?
I am not here to lecture you but here are a few things that you need to understand if you want to be at peace with yourself.
1. Being Alone is Not a Curse, It’s a Blessing
Pick any movie, book, or series, and you will find a similar pattern in all of them. Any guesses about what it might be?
These books/movies start with a cute little girl/boy who is all alone. People bully him/her and then out of nowhere, the hero enters in the picture and saves this innocent girl from the cruelty of the world. If not the boy then the girl comes along and saves the boy.
I mean WHAT THE HELL?
I was reading a book last month on loneliness. I started liking it. I loved how the main character was so comfortable with being alone. I loved how she didn’t feel the need to go to parties or say cool slang just to impress others. But then, the author ruined it. The book ended up with the girl being mentally ill and how a boy saves her.
I want to know WHY?
Why do they have to show that ‘a person who is alone is an object of your mercy and sympathy?’
In every movie. They never show an introvert who is happy being with themselves. See, I am not saying we should all isolate ourselves. No. Human connection is important. But so is the connection with ourselves.
Since childhood, we have learned that the kid who eats alone, sits alone, and has no friends to have ‘fun’ with then he/she is a weirdo. And no one wants to seem a weirdo. Hence, our dread of being alone. We go out of our way just so we can fit in. Even if that involves wearing clothes that aren’t comfortable, saying things we don’t believe in, or laughing at jokes we don’t find funny.
The curse is not that you are alone. The curse is that ‘in the race of finding people, you lose yourself.’
I am not asking you to be alone or not find people. No. But I am asking you to stop treating ‘the time you spend with yourself as loneliness.’
You are not so bad. You are a good human. So the time you spend with yourself should be considered a luxury. The world will tell you otherwise. But you need to understand that in a world full of noise and clowns and followers, you can stand true to your values only when you know how to be YOU without feeling the urge to chase attention.
– Renuka Gavrani
You will find people all around who are just copy-pasting others so that they can fit in. And tell me honestly, do you have any respect for such people?
Judge me all you want but I don’t respect the people who don’t respect themselves enough to stand true to their values. Period.
When I say, being alone is a blessing. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t make new friends. I mean you should practice being alone. Some people are alone because they don’t have friends or family. Some people practice being alone because they want to stay connected to themselves.
I want you to consciously choose to be alone at least for an hour every day. Choose to spend time with yourself and get to know your soul, your thoughts, and your behavior. Ask yourself questions and discuss your life with yourself.
If you take my suggestion, I will recommend you to spend the first hour in the morning or the last hour at night with yourself. Why?
Because in the morning, when you start your day with yourself, you can discuss how you want to spend your day, what all do you plan to do, or simply be satisfied with your company. And the last hour at night so you can go back to bed so that you can wind up your day with yourself. You spend a lot of time with others all day. It’s a great practice to end it with yourself by clearing your mind and acknowledging everything you feel.
2. Practice The Art of Being Alone
-Renuka Gavrani
Knowing how to belong to yourself is an art in a world where everyone is finding their home in others.
I might sound a little rude but here is a truth about life,
‘Nothing stays forever.’
People who you love today will leave you or you might have to leave them or they might change. People cannot stay by your side 24/7. We have built a world where chasing success requires going miles away from family and friends. Shifting to a new city for a new job or leaving home for college. Life and people change. Our priorities change.
And in that case, if you never learned ‘how to belong to yourself,’ you will end up feeling lonely every time someone leaves you.
You should keep your heart open for your loved ones so they can walk in and make you feel loved. You should enjoy the company of those you love. But you should also learn ‘how to enjoy your own company.’
For example; One of my friends is in a relationship for the past 8 years. Her life revolves around her boyfriend. Her boyfriend had to shift to another city which is about 12 hours drive away from her. She called me yesterday and said, ‘I don’t know what to do without him. My life revolves around him and now that he is away, I feel so empty.’
I will say the same thing to you that I said to her.
“Make your life like a garden where you have all types of people and interests and hobbies so that you always have something or someone to love and receive love. Have friends you adore, enjoy the hobbies you are passionate about, water your plants, and love your pets. Create things and build that relationship around you that keeps you excited so that love is always around you in every form. Life will be more colorful that way”
Practice ‘The Art of Being Alone’ because at the end of the day, you are all you have got. So know how to belong to yourself without trying to change yourself to fit in.
3. The Luxury of Your Mind
If I ask you what you think of stars, what will you say? If I ask what you think about your 15-year-old version, what will you say? If I ask what you think of yourself today, what will you say?
And if you have to think to say what you think of yourself, I would suggest you think about where your life is headed.
We spend so much in the company of others that without our conscious permission or knowledge, we end up accepting others’ definitions of everything. For example; everyone wants to be happy. But if I ask you, what is happiness to you, what would you say?
Happiness is not a smile on your face. Happiness is an internal feeling. You and I are different so what will make me happy might not make you feel anything at all. But since you have no idea of your own mind and heart, you end up searching for your happiness in aesthetic YouTube videos or books written by famous people. How sad, aren’t we?
The thing is, when you are alone, you are dealing with just one mind, YOUR MIND. You can easily observe what goes in your mind, what you think of certain things, and why you do certain things. And do you know the best part? When you are alone, you don’t have to pretend to like a certain dish or show. You can be yourself, hence it will be easier to dig deeper into your heart and find your true self smiling at you.
When you are with people, even without wanting, you start behaving like them. It’s scientifically proven. The more people you meet, the less you stay in touch with yourself. And the more people you copy, the more you bury your inner self inside you. And then you wonder, ‘Why do I feel lonely?’
Loneliness is not when you don’t have people around. Loneliness occurs when you cannot find yourself inside you. The moment you feel the loss of your real self, that’s when loneliness makes a home inside you. That’s the worst kind of loneliness where you might be surrounded by people yet you feel lonely. It’s like you cannot feel yourself. Like you are not there anymore.
So, if you take just one thing from this article, learn to know yourself. Learn to read your thoughts and understand your behavior so that even when you are around people, you don’t lose your real essence.
Conclusion:
If you like reading this article and if you want to know more about how you use your alone time to know yourself and build your dream life, you will love the book, ‘The Art of Being Alone.’
Taylor Swift said once, “The scary news is, you are on your own now. But the cool news is, you are on your own now”
And this book will teach you ‘how to be cool with being on your own.’
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